In case you haven’t noticed, the war is on and women are the prey. We have conservatives on the right who are pulling out all stops in effort to control our vaginas and how they are utilized. To the left of us, we have the misinterpreted bible scriptures, urban myths, celebrity authors and bloggers acting as armchair council in how we should deal in relationships and marriages with men, and what we should or should not do with our children. For whatever reasons, America has become obsessed with trying to define and dictate the lives of women. To some, the nucleus of a woman’s happiness is directly tied to her dating life and whether or not she can have children. Various network media outlets have also got involved by sharing varying statistics on women and marriage, how we choose to deal in relationships, motherhood, and why some of us choose to remain single. The statistics that are thrown out there are very broad and astounding. The end message concluded is usually the same; women are to remain virgins until they are married and must have children by age 30. If we are unable to conquer this feat, then we are either not doing enough to render a good mate or something is wrong with us. From one report to the next there seems to be a constant flow of confirmation followed by contradiction. It appears that not only are women not doing enough to render a good man, but; apparently all of us are straight, barren, and stupid. God help you, if you’re a single woman who chooses the wrong career path, decides to get an abortion, or decides to keep the child you are pregnant with and remain unmarried; you’re still criminalized. The question is why is there so much sexpert advice and laws being aimed strictly at women. Most importantly, why is it being spewed by people who don’t menstruate nor will never carry a child?
It seems to me that it’s become trendy to bash and shame black women the most. What’s scariest is that most of the male bloggers and authors are doing all of this in the name of profit and women are literally buying into the bait that criminalizes us. As the scare campaign continues, there appears to be no sign of resolution in sight. It looks like no one is on our side and we are forced to put our guard up against everyone becoming defensive and aggravated. This attitude has left us with nowhere to turn. We have forgotten how to be happy as we are constantly left feeling undeserving or dissatisfied with something in our life.
The truth is that, this entire pathology is based on our mass hurt and psychological torture that has been imposed on us by this country. If we can simply take a moment to view all of these negative traits on both sides regarding men and women, as merely coping mechanisms that have evolved due to the system of oppression, we can then give space and re-contextualize our would be resentment and animosity towards each other. This is truly the best and only step; recognizing the hurt in each other rather than trying to find reasons to point the finger at one another blaming the opposite gender as the source of our pain. This is misplaced aggression. The idea should be for us to rage against the machine not towards your brother or sister. Mass healing must take place and this happens one at a time. I’m not sure why men have stopped focusing on their roles and have taken to examining the roles of women with such close eye, but the shit needs to stop! Real men focus on their roles. They focus on enhancing and tapping into their own personal masculinity. Instead of worrying about why black women are wearing weaves, scantily clad clothing, the abortions we have, or why we aren’t married yet. They need to focus on how to become better bread-winners, husbands, fathers and overall honorable men. Worrying about which time of the month I am PMS’ing just so you can mark it down on your calendar and keep an account of my behavioral traits to study won’t help you to achieve that. In my humble opinion, this is complete bullshit and it’s completely opposite of masculinity. In fact, it is nothing more than your typical mean girl taunting that comes from deep rooted insecurities as well as a lack of self worth within oneself. Consequently, a man who is concerned with constantly growing into his own manhood is one who is daily committed to being the best man he can be. This kind of man has no time to or even desire to point fingers at women and what they should be doing. Seriously, ask yourself, what real man has time to even waste his masculine purpose on women’s issues? This is wack! Ladies, I ask that you please stop taking relationship advice from the sexist men and faux relationship gurus. They are purposely preying on your emotional vulnerabilities and your wallet. Trust me, those same gurus aren’t out here buying the DVD’s and books filled with relationship advice being offered up by women to men. It is our job to worry about working on our shit and their job to work on theirs! Period. By practicing this, we can all, by natural law, become the type of man or woman that will attract a man or woman who has worked on his or her feminine/masculine issues, so that it becomes a match; two energies that are polar but support each other. We truly need to stop looking at relationships in general from a standpoint of crisis. It’s time to end this now.
In a nutshell, it’s time to stop pointing fingers and placing blame and learn how to open up dialog as a collective unit. What I’ve learned about relationship advice over the years is that it’s only great whenever it’s actually solicited. Opinions are one thing but advice is something different. We often value and adhere more to advice than we do opinions. It’s taken me a while to realize that most people can’t really lend advice passed what exceeds the level of their own experiences or the medium they have settled at in their life – so we must be careful. With that being said, you should never depend on what someone’s gut is telling them to tell you to do. Experience varies, therefore, as women, we must rely on lessons learned through our own unique experiences and not live vicariously through someone else’s.